When we went for our marriage license they asked if I’d considered adoption.

After our blood test, I got a bill and he got a lollypop.

Our wedding photo has me in a gown and him on a pony.

Big Bird was our best man!

He signed our marriage license in crayon.

For our marriage vows, he promised to love, honor, and brush after every meal.

He wanted a condo in Mr. Rodgers neighborhood.

Our honeymoon was his class trip.

His idea of foreplay is peek-a-boo.

During sex he says, “Are we there yet?”

Young? I burp him after sex.

Actually, I don’t think of it as sex. I think of it as Quality Time.

I have an IUD with a night light.

He thought a menstrual cycle was a two-wheeler for boys.

I had to explain to him that J. Edgar Hoover had nothing to do with vacuum cleaners.

I think of him as my latch-key husband.

He thinks of an after-theatre snack as his ten o’clock feeding.

For birth control, I use the Montessori Method.

He has training wheels on his car.

His idea of a mixed drink is TANG.

He used to be in news…but he gave up his paper route.

He told me he did a little acting…he was an acorn in an Arbor Day play.

He also said he did some construction…LEGGOS!

He thinks hard drugs are non-chewable aspirin.

We write Play-Doh off as a business expense.

When someone asks what he does, I say “homework.”

Young? He thought Pearl Harbor was where they dive for oysters.

He thought getting a piece of ass meant pinning the tail on the donkey.

I thought it was kinda cool that he enjoyed sex with the light on—until I found out it was because he was afraid of the dark!

The only club he belonged to was “The Clean Plate Club.

I let him soak in the tub for hours and prayed for wrinkles.

It takes him a week to get a five-o’clock shadow.

I have more hair on my face than he does.

When I mentioned the U.S. Space Program he asked when it was on.

He still thinks swinging has something to do with monkey bars.